Wut R Werds………
Writers block. I have it.
Damn you. Damn YOU! DAMN YOU!!!!!!
Really? I go in phases of this. Either the words are there or they aren’t. When I iMessage my mother about my daily word count when I’m on a roll, she asks me if they are good words. Generally, I only write when I know the words are good. But maybe I’m just being indulgent.
When I’m writing, my brain is like this. The soldiers are all going the right direction.
Yup. I think of my words like little soldiers going into battle. I like them to get into formation and then charge across the battlefield of the page. They might not take their objective 100%, but I expect an 80% success rate when I look at them later on. In fact, when it comes to my literary generalship, I don’t like to fight battles that I don’t think I will win.
I’m not sure when that happened.
When I wrote Teufel, it was strewn with bad words. When I look at it now, there is a lot I would change. I was a lot less worried about bad words in those days. I laughed at bad words. I took the good with the bad. I couldn’t do anything in the evening if I didn’t write about 5000 words in a day. These days, if I have a target, it’s 2500. But they need to be good words. I’m also working now, were as when I wrote Teufel, I was on medical leave. That makes a difference.
I don’t know. I should be happy. The words are back this year. Back in a way they haven’t been in a while. Things are going relatively well. Work is decent. The words don’t come when I’m too stressed. I have a plan for the future. I’m going back to school. WOOT! Then I will need good words with a firm deadline. YAY deadlines. I work well with those.
To be honest, in all the time I was in Berlin, I really didn’t write much. At the same time, I had a lot more of a life than I do at the moment. Right now, I’m feeling a little cut off from fun. So where is the happy medium? I need to have financial security, (check) and I need to feel the right amount of joy. (shell blasted field of emptiness devoid of checks)
I’m in Canada right now… and I think that’s 100% of the solution and the problem. My family is here. That’s 100% yay. At the same time, it’s Canada and I hate it here. Sorry Canadians, but I would do anything to escape. I always used to say that I wrote Teufel to escape Canada… but when I was in Berlin, I had nothing to escape from. (beyond financial misery and repeated heartache!) (Damn men in Germany who broke my heart!) What the Hell, Germans! Literally? WHAT THE HELL!?
So here I am. I know what I want to write. I think about it all the time. Clearly though, the words aren’t right. Which is lame because I told one of my students two weeks ago that it would be done last week. She reminded me on Monday. I said this ok. This week. Um.. I mean.. next week. Ok. So. Yeah. I’ve been binge watching Army Wives (so I have a thing for General Holden! SUE ME!) and feeling somewhat sorry for myself. (Bt revelling in the soap opera Americana!) But at the same time I know, deep in my gut, that its not right yet. The words. They aren’t right. When they are right… they will march across the page.
I love this. It’s exactly how I feel right now. Wut R werds. But… I wrote this. Maybe they are coming back.
Onward, literary soldiers…March in your words… your sentences… your paragraphs… your chapters…. March, my creatures of the page! MARCH!